In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
