Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
