like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
