My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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