My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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