I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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