this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
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Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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