so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
