i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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