So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
