Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
