i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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