We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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