after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
