I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
