just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she peed on how many people?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
