shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
