If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
