I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
