I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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