Just fell off a train. Bad.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I wear drunk well.
I think my moral compass just broke
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