the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize