Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
40s are totally the cure
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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