I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
