You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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