It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
