so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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