I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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