Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
