I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
