I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
