only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
