I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
