mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
