smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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