im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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