Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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