How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
