I'm gonna have a badass scar
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
