he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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