You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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