i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
