Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
