What a fucking waste of an outfit
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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