Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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