it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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