i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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