I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
