I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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