They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
