God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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