Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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