i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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