pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
