i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
