i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
